On Generosity

Adapted from Volume 2, Issue 1 of Highly Illogical. Sent on October 23, 2016

I would like to be more generous with myself. Note that I don't say *to* myself. I've spent a lot of time over the past few years getting comfortable with who I am, what I want and what I don't. A big part of that process was learning to say "no". To cancel plans I didn't want to keep, to delete all the dating apps that were making me miserable, to back away from toxic people and situations. There is a lot of power in no, and knowing when to say it makes me feel like an adult.

I've been thinking about how often I say no lately, not just how often I say no, but how often I don't respond, pull away, or am only giving people the bare minimum of attention while my brain is chewing on some massive cosmic problem like "how does Elvira make her boobs do that?" and I have come to the realization that I am selfish with myself. I want to love abundantly and specifically, I want to carry the details of the people around me close to my chest like precious jewels, I want to make people feel special and heard because every damn thing in the world makes me and everyone else feel so small. I don't want to be one of those things. 

So I'm trying. And failing in some ways. The other day a homeless woman at the bus stop asked for a dollar. I didn't have cash, so she asked if she could sing to me. She didn't like singing without an audience. I said yes, and she serenaded me with Lionel Richie and Ike & Tina songs until my bus came. She seemed happy when she was done and waved at my bus as it pulled away. It felt good. I also haven't called my wonderful, sweet Mammo back even though it's been 3 weeks since she called. That feels shitty. It's all a process, and I'm working on it, and I hope that counts for something.

I want you to know that you are abundant and beautiful and I am in awe of you. 

Love,
Sammi